Christmas is over, like, a second? And these people are back!
The forever sad and compromised Kevin McCarthy, the oily Matt Gaetz, that terrible Greene woman who bangs on doors and shouts through your mailbox, and all the rest of them. Back!
And what about this new cretin, who has stalked us through the holidays? This Santos guy, who -- appropriately named for the time of year -- kept delivering one revelatory goody day after day. Last I heard, he's not even a U.S. citizen, yet he's been elected to the House of Representatives. I suspect he's not even an actual person, and yet he's been elected. This is the new A.I. creation of all time.
To all of them I say, "Go away!" But they don't go away. In fact, they're right in my living room, screwing up the United States government, messing with the Constitution, and doing what they do. They are the gremlins on the wing of the plane, and I am Bill Shatner. How did this happen?
Then it occurs to me. Maybe they're here for a purpose.
Maybe the Congressional clown show is good for us.
Maybe it puts us in our place.
God might be telling us, "You pay too much attention to these people." And we know what happens when we pay too much attention to horrible people. They keep doing horrible things.
This is certainly what the appropriately named Miss Fury us all in the first grade. "Students, the more we look at the Sean at the back of the class, the more he'll keep acting up." Which was true. Sean what's-his-name did keep acting up, and in the grand scheme of things, it did us no good at all. We should have ignored Sean with his five o'clock shadow and his ability to put a ruler up his nose, and let him spiral on toward his ultimate destiny -- serving 5-10 in Kingston Prison for habitual petty theft.
Maybe if we stop looking at the Matt Gaetz's of this world and that Biggs guy and that awful Stefanik woman, they'll just go away. Ideally, they will slip into the government jobs for which they are more suited, like emptying parking meters or painting lines on the highway. Wait. That's unfair. There's nothing wrong with those jobs, whereas there's definitely something wrong with these people.
In truth, do I even care what happens to them? I just know they have to go. I want to read the books I received for Christmas. There are still chocolates strewn about the house that need my attention, and movies to watch which somehow went unwatched in favor of culinary indulgences and dinner table talk. Yes, these people definitely must be go.
And it should be easy, because - like moron Sean at the back of the classroom - they feed on our attention. If we take that away, however, they only have so many choices.
1) They can keep up their antics even though there's no audience. Unlikely.
2) They can quit and go find an audience somewhere else. VERY likely. I'm thinking of Gaetz dressing up as Spiderman and posing for pictures on Hollywood Boulevard.
3) They'll actually realize they were elected to something and - as long as no one is looking - they may as well learn the job and pass a few laws and such. VEEERY unlikely.
4) Kingston Prison. 5-10.
I vote for number 4, but of course our prisons are already overcrowded thanks to a combination of insufficient funding and a hopelessly corrupt justice system, including judges on the take and/or shareholders of private institutions. Brought to you by -- you got it -- these people we've been paying so much attention to.
No matter what, we're better off without them. Without them, we might read. We might go for walks. We might talk to our not-loved but tolerated relatives with something resembling civility. We might paint pictures. Or finally take that course on home electrical.
And for those of you who say, "But if we don't pay attention, who knows what they'll do?" I offer the answer: "And how has it been going thus far?"
It's possible a less scrutinized Congress might actually get something done. We've certainly tried the alternative. We, in fact, turned the whole thing into "The Gong Show."
If we shut down CNN, MSNBC, Fox, and all the political scandal sheets, who knows what could happen?
The mind boggles with the potential of happiness and contentment. Oh joy, oh bliss.
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